The Al Gore Story as Told by Al Himself!

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Posted by Dick - the politician again ( on October 30, 2000 at 19:04:48:

> Good afternoon all. I'm Al Gore, and I'd like to tell you a little
> about myself.
> I know a lot about hardship, because I came into this world as
> a poor black child in a tiny town in the backwoods of Tennessee.
> I was born in a log cabin that I built with my own hands. I taught
> myself to read by candlelight and helped support my 16 brothers
> and sisters by working summers as a deck hand on a Mississippi
> River steamboat. Frequently we would stop the ship and I would
> cut and split five cords of wood overnight for the steam engines.
> My mother taught me the value of education, so every day, I would
> walk 5 miles to a one-room schoolhouse. I was a mischievous,
> fun loving scamp, though I never dreamed that one day, my
> youthful escapades would serve as the inspiration for "Huckleberry Finn."
> Back then, we Jewish black folks in the south were second-class
> citizens. One day, a traveling minister came through town, and I
> asked him if anyone was ever going to do something to guarantee
> civil rights for all Americans. Well, I guess I made an impression.
> You see, the minister's name was Martin Luther King, Jr.
> My father was a United States Senator. He once perched me on
> his knee and said, "Son, if you work hard and listen to your mama,
> someday you can live in a hotel in Washington, D.C., and go to an
> exclusive prep school." As a young Hindu boy, these were very
> valuable lessons. But life of privilege was not for me.
> Being Chinese, after getting my high school diploma, I took a job
> in a hot, dirty textile mill. I was so appalled at the treatment of
> the workers there that I organized a union. Later, that experience
> inspired a movie - which is why, to this day, my close friends at
> the AFL-CIO call me "Norma Rae." When word got out what an
> 18 year old factory worker had done, Harvard University called and
> offered me a scholarship. I captained the hockey team to four
> consecutive national championships, but I also played football
> and was good enough to win the Heisman Trophy. During my
> college years, I lived in a housing project and moonlighted writing
> songs and playing lead guitar for a little rock band. You may have heard
> of us - The Rolling Stones. I'm the one with the lips.
> But there was a war going on, and I felt I had to serve my country.
> So I enlisted in the U. S. Army and went to Vietnam. I was deeply
> opposed to the war, but I did my duty as a soldier and came back
> home with the Medal of Honor and the Croix de Guerre. My battlefield
> expertise is current requisite reading material for Officers Candidates
> to this very day. My being a wounded female officer serving in disguise
> as a journalist was a full time project, but my military Knowledge
> helped save tens of thousands of lives.
> Many cities in Southeast Asia are named after me to this very day.
> Statues of me are still commonplace in many official Government
> buildings in Viet Nam.
> When I got back, I took a long journey across this great land of
> ours. I've crossed the deserts bare, man, I've breathed the mountain
> air, man. I've traveled, I've done my share, man, I've been everywhere.
> I've hunted all the dangerous species of big game in five continents
> using only a handmade spear or my handmade laser sighted compound bow.
> And the people I met at truck stops and campgrounds and homeless shelters
> on
> that journey all said the same thing: "Al, we need you in Washington."
> I knew they were right, but first I had to take care of some other
> business building the World Trade Center, finding a low cost, more
> reliable nuclear weapon trigger design, founding the Audubon Society,
> doing the clinical research that proved smoking caused cancer,
> and coming up with the recipe for Mrs. Field's chocolate chip cookies.
> I was, in fact, the third still silent) partner of Ben & Jerry with
> over half of the flavors personally developed by Tipper and me in our own
> kitchen.
> My extensive knowledge of arctic sea life keeps me busy in the
> research laboratory, but those endangered species need love too!
> Translating the dead sea scrolls is one of my favorite hobbies,
> and my current volume is in print in over 73 languages and is being
> studied in Seminaries worldwide. Being Indian, both Native American and
> the Mid East kind, this is valuable experience for me. Have towel and Tee
> Pee, will travel.
> Finally, I deferred to the demands of the people of Tennessee and
> allowed them to elect me to the House of Representatives and the
> Senate.
> And then one winter day nearly nine years ago, for no particular
> reason, I answered the call of the people once again and took the oath
> of office as Vice President of the United States.
> I also invented the Internet. Since then, I've been part of the most
> successful administration in American history. My friend, Bill Gates
> has asked me many times why I gave him the ideas of software
> development and asked for no money. Gosh, it just wouldn't be right!
> Many times President Bill Clinton
> has been pondering some grave decision and has asked me what to do. And
> when I would give him my thoughts, he would invariably say, "Of course.
> That's brilliant. Why didn't I think of that?"
> During the darkest days of the impeachment battles, the President
> told me he only wished he had listened when I told him to stay away
> from that dark-haired intern with the big hooters.
> So after I decided to run for president, I sat down with him and
> asked if he had any suggestions about how to conduct my campaign.
> And Bill Clinton gave me a few simple words of advice words I'll
> never forget. He looked me in the eye and he said, "Al, just tell the
> truth,
> it's always worked well for me."
> Thanks, I'm Al Gore and I want to be your next President. You can
> trust and believe me.

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